No College For You! by Will O’Brien and Harrison Snyder
Have you ever wished one day after years of hard work you could get into Yale? Are you on the verge of graduating from high school and realize you haven’t done any of the necessary? Well luckily, if your parents are millionaires, not actually being smart enough to go to Yale won’t stop you.
Even if your only priorities are “gamedays” and “partying” like Lori Laughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade Giannulli, you can still get into prestigious institutions like the University of Southern California. It’s simple. You just need three things:
- Find a sport that no one really cares about and Photoshop your face into team pictures.
- Take your own SAT test “without any help.”
- Have mommy/daddy subtly grease the wheels of higher education with hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Now you’re probably wondering “Hey, I’m a nice guy and did well in school. Why did I not get accepted to the University of Southern California?” Well, the simple answer is that you’re poor and therefore not deserving of a better education. If you don’t like it, contact the national hotline for the annoyed middle class, 1-800-DEFINITELY-NOT-FAKE-HOTLINE. Or, acquire a few million dollars.
Knowing that Kim Kardashian’s dog is more likely to get into Yale than you, you might want to consider a few other aspirations. Consider other, more viable options such as
- Becoming a professional sand eater
- Start a career Photoshopping faces into rowing team pictures so they can get into USC. We hear it pays well.
- The Army.
- Trump University. You’ll get the millions needed to bribe your way into college. . . well actually no. At least you’ll have a degree. . . well actually no.
- Lottery tickets.
- Ask people if they want to “supersize their meal.”
- Street performer. People will line up around the block to see you eat sand.
- Airline pilot. No it does not require a degree. Yes, that is terrifying.
- Writing articles for a high school newspaper.
If none of the above works, keep eating sand for sustenance. It’s free and low in carbs.
But don’t worry, you’ll get into Yale if your essay looks like this:
Good spell word very smrat. Please take million dollar that on paper. Thx.
It is crucial however, that along with this stunning essay, you must include approximately one to three million dollars cash. It’s the application fee and “completely legal.”
Remember, most of all, your own success does not really matter when it comes to applying to prestigious universities. it’s your parents’ pocketbooks that make you a good candidate. Make sure to talk to mommy and daddy about buying you a higher degree before heading off to Yale or the University of Southern California.