Will and Harry Describe McGovernment by Will O’Brien and Harrison Snyder
Have you ever been at a McDonald’s and wanted ice cream? Have you ever been a government employee and wanted a paycheck? Well, both situations end in disappointment, frustration and lack of ice cream. In the case of McDonald’s, the ice cream machine always appears to be broken, but as for the government, it operates uneventfully unless someone is throwing a temper tantrum.
Imagine if all the McDonald’s’ in America closed their doors for 35 days over a disagreement about whether they should build a wall to keep the Hamburglar out. Imagine the chaos that would ensue as millions of disheveled would-be Big Mac consumers were forced to endure the flavorless hellscape that is Burger King. This world is not one I would wish to live in.
Luckily, nothing so atrocious has ever happened. Only the federal government is shut down. I mean, what’s the difference between a Big Mac and two pay checks to the people that keep America running? If McDonald’s hamburgers are still all right, so are we.
Wait, the hamburgers aren’t free? Oh, then I don’t know how the 800,000 furloughed government employees will buy them. We might have a national crisis after all.
Being a furloughed government employee still has its benefits. After all, you’re still serving your country. Likewise, if you order McNuggets and the box is empty, you still have the box. Granted, it’s a cool box, but you’re still hungry and unemployed. Sadly, the box isn’t big enough to live in.
Luckily, nothing too important has been affected by the shutdown. Who needs a coast guard? Just stop drowning. Who needs tax revenue? Definitely not a country with $21.97 trillion in debt. Who needs air traffic controllers? Those planes fly themselves anyway. Who needs NASA? It’s not like it’s rocket science. The TSA? Well they didn’t really do much from the start. Yeah, it’ll be just fine. We still have the U.S. Post Office. Like their motto says “Neither snow nor rain nor dark of night [nor government shut down] stays these couriers from their appointed rounds.”
After all, McDonald’s and the national government are really one and the same. They both make me feel kind of bad about myself in the end. For McDonald’s, the lasting effects are high cholesterol and a deep longing for probiotics, and for the shutdown, the lasting effects are much like those of McDonald’s, but the arteries are federal airways and the only probiotic is compromise.